The Secrets We Keep
by Lady of Lorule
Summary: Natasha and Peter get roped into babysitting Clint's kids for the night. Neither could have expected the old wounds that would rise up from this simple night.


"I am exhausted!" Peter proclaimed, dropping dramatically onto the couch. "Why are children so exhausting?"

Natasha smiled at the young Avenger, bouncing Nathaniel Pietro Barton in her arms. They'd come to babysit for Clint so that Laura and him could have a date for the first time since Nathaniel's birth. It was only after they'd arrived that she'd discovered that Peter had very little experience with looking after children and even less caring for babies.

"Lila and Cooper loved you," she assured him. "You did a great job keeping them busy. They fell asleep so fast."

Peter rolled his neck. "I could sleep too. They kept wanting me to crawl on the ceiling and teach them how to do that. When I explained to them they couldn't climb on ceilings, they demanded I lift stuff like the tractor and whatever. Honestly, that was more of a workout than a training session."

Only years of training kept Natasha's chuckle silent. To distract herself, she fixed Nathaniel's blanket. The toddler was slowly nodding off, his face nuzzled into her shoulder. She allowed herself to revel in the feeling of the child in her arms. After all, this was the closest she could get to motherhood.

Though she had known for years she couldn't have children, the full impact had never really hit her until she met Clint and her best friend starting making a family of his own that she couldn't truly be a part of. Not that she begrudged him his happiness, but it hurt. It was an impossible dream of hers, to have something like this. Even if her and Bruce ever made good on their plans to run away together, it just wouldn't be the same. Children simply weren't in the cards for her, for either of them.

"Did you hear me, Nat?" the teenager asked in concern when she failed to reply.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, peeking over at the teen. "Yeah, just lost in thought."

Peter frowned, observing her with his perceptive eyes. She just cooed to the baby in her arms as Nathaniel let out an adorable yawn. As soon as his eyes flickered shut, she brought him to his cradle and laid him down. She watched the sleeping baby for a few moments before joining Peter on the couch. It felt nice to sit after rocking the baby for an hour. Even her strength wore out after holding a full size toddler for an extended period of time.

"Are you okay?" Peter asked finally, fiddling nervously with a blanket draped on the couch. He always did that, touch or rub something when he was otherwise motionless. She suspected that it was one of the ways he dealt with the overload of senses he had admitted to experiencing at almost all times. "You seem... down."

She was kind of impressed. For being so naive most of the time, he could be exceptionally sensitive to other people's emotions. Natasha and the rest of Avengers frequently forgot that, due to the fact they always seemed to think of him as a kid and not an almost-adult teen. Peter had picked up on their worry and fear for him more than once when they'd tried hiding it from him. He always found a way to blame himself for their worry, much to their exasperation.

"I love taking care of Clint's kids, but it also reminds me of what I can't have," she said with a soft sigh.

"Why not?" he questioned, with an adorably confused expression.

"I can't have kids."

Peter looked immediately apologetic. For some reason, Natasha found it very easy to tell him this. The only other time she'd talked about it was with Bruce a couple of years ago, and that had been hard. She'd been blinking back tears, fighting to keep her voice steady, but now all she felt was a kind of wistful peace. Strangely, she even found herself wanting to talk to him.

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to-" Peter blurted out.

"It's okay," she said, cutting him off. "You didn't know. You couldn't have known, actually. I've only told Bruce."

"Not even Clint?"

"No, though I think he knows anyways," she said, a wry smile playing on her lips. There were very few secrets between the master spies. It kind of came with the job. Peter didn't have the same paranoid tendencies yet, where he had to know everything about everyone because you never know who the traitor is, who would stab you in the back. She hoped he'd never get like that.

Peter tilted his head. "Then why tell me?"

"Sometimes it's better to talk about things." Natasha smiled at him. The sun was nearly all the way down, and his features were slightly obscured by the dim lighting, though she knew he could see her perfectly. "We're all trying to be more open with each other, after what happened with the Accords. Might as well get in the habit of it before Steve starts pushing for a heart-to-heart."

They were both quiet for a moment. They could hear the chirp of crickets and swaying of grass from outside. It was so...peaceful. Even the Facility wasn't so nice and quiet. Many of the Avengers kept odd hours, coming and going at all hours of the day. The labs and security rooms were fully staffed all day, every day. And lights swept across the pristine lawns periodically, searching for threats. Tony Stark was nothing if not thorough with his security measures. But out here, there was only the dark night sky and the stars.

"Can I ask a personal question?" Peter said hesitantly.

"Of course," she assured him.

"Do you want to have kids? Like, if you could?"

She paused. No one had ever asked her that, whether because they were scared of her reaction or it just didn't matter in her line of work she didn't know. She tried not to think of her infertility too often, not because it was pointless, but because it ached, inflicting pain in a way that even she couldn't tolerate. Yet, there was something cathartic about talking about it, especially with Peter, in all his innocent curiosity. He would back off the second she wanted him to. But he would also listen for as long as she wanted without complaining.

So she said, "Yes. I would want children."

"Then why haven't you adopted, or something?" Peter asked, reasonably.

"Because the life that we lead isn't exactly safe for a child. And being an Avenger is everything to me. I can't give it up." Nat smiled bitterly. "Most of us can't. We're in so deep that we don't even know how to get out. It's why Clint missed so much of his kids' lives, why Tony and Pepper split for a while, why Steve can't settle down."

Peter was quiet, looking thoughtful. Nat reached over and placed a hand on his knee. He met her serious gaze slowly, his innocent brown eyes so vulnerable.

"Be careful, Peter. We all respect you so much for wanting to help people, for wanting to be an Avenger. But it will probably come at the price of a happy, loving life. People don't appreciate how wonderful being normal is until they lose it."

"I know," he said, placing his hand over Natasha's. "I was normal. Then I wasn't. But going back to that life, to who I was...I can't do that. I can't be the selfish."

"You're too good," she said adoringly.

"So are you," he replied, leaning into her side.

Natasha couldn't help but smile. For the second time that night, Peter Parker had said something to her no one else had before. He had called her good.


End file.
